Is your child or teen acting out?

There are 4 goals of misbehavior in children and teens

You have seen them… the child screaming for attention in the store or the teen who dresses in a way impossible to ignore, the one who plays helpless and asks for help before even trying to problem-solve on his own, the child who talks back and “hates” his parents, and the one who insists on his or her way and attempts to rule the roost.

What do they all have in common?

They are working to get love and connection from their parents.  No, it’s not a typo; it might not make sense logically, but emotionally, it does.

All children, whether they are toddlers or high schoolers, have 2 primary needs: to be loved unconditionally and to belong.  If they feel discouraged and perceive they cannot belong in a useful way, they start acting up.  They actually want 1 of 4 things: they either want to get attention, power, revenge, or display inadequacy.

Let’s look at these “goals of misbehavior”, and what might be an effective strategy to coach your child toward more positive behavior.

GOAL # 1: Attention

All kids need attention and a large part of parenting is to give our kids attention.  But when your child mistakenly believes that the only way to belong is to have your attention –and will misbehave to get it– it becomes problematic.

You know when your child is misbehaving in an effort to get your attention if your reaction is to get annoyed or bothered.  Your natural response will be to coax, remind, nag or criticize.  Your child will usually respond by stopping the behavior temporarily and then starting it up again later for more attention.

    Examples:

  • Actively seeking attention:You are visiting with a friend when your 9 yr old daughter asks you to watch her do a cartwheel on the lawn.  You oblige happily, remark on her progress and go back to your discussion.  But a minute later, you’re showered with another wave of “watch me Daddy, watch me!”, quickly followed by “Watch me again!” and again, and again…  Her bid for attention might escalate until she falls and receives your complete attention.  With a teenager, you might find that your son does something that annoys you.  After you step in to correct the behavior, he may stop but before long, he moves on to another annoying behavior.
  • Passively seeking attention:  Instead, your son might do nothing and simply expect to be waited on.

Solution: Encourage your child to join in  and be part of things in a positive way.  Ignore your child’s obvious bid for attention and instead focus and draw attention to something else entirely.  At a different time, offer positive attention when he or she isn’t trying to get it.  Catch him or her being good.

 

GOAL # 2: Power

Part of growing more independent is to feel more in control. In and of itself, power is a positive goal.  It only becomes a problem if, as with attention, your child feels that the only way to connect is by having the power.  In the case of teens, it’s a very common goal of course since they are often very focused on gaining autonomy.

Your clue to the fact that your child is trying to show power is that you will tend to respond by feeling angry or threatened. You might try to make him obey or you might give in. If you choose to fight and make him do what you want, he will fight back.  If you choose to give in, he’ll stop acting out since he won and got what he wanted.

    Examples:

  • Actively seeking Power:Your child may deliberately break your rules like going biking without a helmet, choosing friends he knows you are uncomfortable with, or refusing to come home when you ask.
  • Passively seeking Power: Sometimes, your child will comply with your request but do it slowly or sloppily hence communicating that although you can make him do what you want him to do, he can control how he does it.

Solution: Look for ways to give your child more choices.  Encourage your child to gain independence and be responsible.  Don’t fight or give in, let consequences simply happen.

 

GOAL # 3: Revenge

If your child loses a power struggle and feels hurt, he may decide to get revenge.

As a parent, you might feel shocked, hurt and angry.  You might react by trying to get even and in return, your child will try to get more revenge, continuing the cycle with no end in sight.

    Examples:

  • Actively seeking Revenge:Your child might say or do something hurtful. Teens might take risks with the whole goal of shocking or worrying you.
  • Passively seeking Revenge: Your child may choose to glare at you angrily.

Solution: Refuse to take things personally.  Refuse to get even. Don’t enter in a cycle of escalating revenge. Focus on building trust and respect when everyone is calm.

 

GOAL # 4: Display of Inadequacy

Sometimes a child will try to connect with his parents by acting helpless in a particular area.  He or she perceives that the only way they will connect with you is by convincing you they are helpless.

When your child’s goals is truly to display inadequacy (as opposed to a plight to get your attention which will elicit an annoyed emotional response), he just wants to be excused from the task.  He wants you to stop expecting anything from him.  You are likely to feel like giving up too.  Although you may not voice it out loud, you might in fact think that your child is helpless in that area.  You might give up and do nothing.  If you do give up and agree to expect nothing from your child, his goal has been met but at a very high price.

    Examples:

  • Your child may try to convince you he can’t figure out homework, do a good job at their chores, or make friends.

Solution: Because a child who gives up is very discouraged, focus on progress and encourage any effort. Don’t pity them and don’t give up.

 

When your teen or child is acting out, take a minute to determine what your child’s misbehavior payoff is and change the way you react. You can help your child develop more positive beliefs and strategies about getting your love and connection.

To learn more about identifying and responding to your kids’ behavior, pick up the book STEP Parenting: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Dinkmeyer or their Teen version of the book: Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens. It is an extremely valuable resource and can make a huge difference.  Or call me at (919) 745-7569!

 

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Challenge your limiting beliefs!

You have heard the question “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?”.

Well, I have another question for you:

“If you have a limiting belief but refuse to think about it, do you still have a problem?”

The mind is an interesting muscle.  Once it assigns a meaning to a particular situation or event, it starts building additional thoughts and beliefs to justify that initial meaning.  For better or for worse.

Years ago, I had a limiting belief that I could not run;  it hurt my knees too much. I built a wall of beliefs around that belief to justify my not running.  Then one day I decided to challenge it by running two miles, walking a mile, and running one more.  I chose a new belief: “I can run three miles.”  In that moment, I refused to think my old limiting belief and replaced it with another one.  And, my mind responded like it always does; it started to look for new beliefs and thoughts to strengthen that new belief. I found a way to use my mind in a way that was to my advantage.  The new beliefs, strengthened with consistent running, changed my life.

The results speak for themselves: 15 half marathons, 13 marathons, one 40-mile trail race, 50-mile race and 100K trail race in the next 20 years. I found that, in the end, I changed something even deeper than a belief. I changed my core identity. I changed from being the “fat band kid” to being a “long distance endurance athlete” and “zen-runner.” Changing who you believe you are is the deepest change you can make.

I encourage you to question your own thoughts when you think something limits you. Just because you think a thought, does not automatically mean that it is true.  Go and find a way to disprove it, even if it is in a small way.  Adopt a new belief and strengthen it with consistent actions.

Let you mind weave new beliefs and thoughts around it to strengthen it, and over time, you will achieve more that you ever thought possible.  It will give you the strength and courage to truly change your life.

Running two miles did not lead to “long distance endurance runner” overnight.  Initially, I never dreamed I would go out and complete a 100 kilometer race with total confidence in my ability to go the distance.  But once I challenged my initial limiting belief, it led me down many paths, many races, many spiritual moments, and a more fulfilling life.

And as for the philosophical question of whether or not a falling tree makes a sound if nobody is there to hear it, the answer is “It doesn’t matter because you will be somewhere else, thinking about something else, and making your life be something better!”

 

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Why you can’t tap into your motivation…

Did you ever say to yourself, “I know what I need to do, I just am not doing it?” As a result, that book isn’t written, that vacation isn’t taken, that report isn’t done on time and the scale shows a number that depresses you.

The Cause of lack of Motivation…No Purpose.

The Key to tapping into Massive Motivation comes from taking your purpose in life and linking it to every action that you take during the day. The process to create those links are as follows.

1. Associate and recall your Purpose. Remember, a purposeful person works in every moment to build and create an emotional expression of themselves internally and externally that will influence and inspire others to do the same. Ask yourself every moment of the day, “Is this action right now purposeful in building and creating the person I want to become and the life I want to have?”

2. Associate into the Emotional ‘Why’ of your Purpose. After Purpose is engaged, a person MUST work to integrate the emotional component, or fully associate into it, what they are working to build and create. If your Purpose is to build and create an incredible level of physical health, associating into what you will feel as a result; the energy, vibrancy, power, strength and confidence if essential. Where purpose and emotion are joined together, a tremendous force and energy is created.

3. This tremendous force then needs an outlet. It needs to be consciously directed into an action that is congruent in moving a person forward in what they are building and creating. It really doesn’t matter how big or small the action is. What matters is that it is congruent in the short and long term, in moving the person one step closer to the successful completion of their purpose. At this point, taking action is very easy. Motivation has kicked in full force.

4. Appreciate the results no matter how BIG or small. Most people fall short of their goals because they don’t remember that cause and effect are instantaneous. All they see is the gap between the small step and the HUGE lottery win they want to have. So, they give up in frustration and think nothing has happened. You never see the change in a person eating one extra pat of butter a day in their diet. However, at the end of the year, they would be 2 pounds heavier. Everything, big or small ads up! A person must trust and have faith in their purposeful actions generating results.

So, if you are wondering, “how can I get more motivated? How can I be more fulfilled and happy in my life? How can I be self directed and self driven?” Here is the magic question. Ask it frequent and often!

“Is this action right now purposeful in building and creating the person I want to become and the life I want to have?”

If the answer is yes, it passed the test. Take the action and the next and the next.

If that answer is no, let it go! Refocus and ask a new question, “What can I do right now to continue to build and create the person I want to become and the life I want to have? What is purposeful for me right now to accomplish in my work? What is purposeful right now for me in terms of health, my relationships?” Remember to associate into the ‘WHY’ you want to build and create…for energy, love, confidence, etc. and celebrate your results.

You will find yourself saying, “I know what I need to do and I’m motivated to do it!”

To your continued success,

James

PS-Looking for define your purpose? Check out www.30DaysforSuccess.com It’s all in there waiting for you to discover, now!

Hurry…it’s almost February already…time to focus!

WOW…it’s already almost February and how productive have you been in achieving  your goals? If you are like most people, the power to focus is something that is a real challenge!

So, how does a person stay away from procrastination and fear based doubt? Mastering one simple saying is all that it takes for you to have the next 11 months be the best ever. Here it is…

Where your focus goes, Your energy Flows, and Whether it is positive or negative, that is what Expands and grows.

Sound to simple or good to be true? It isn’t. Most people fail to realize that it is the small, seemingly inconsequential actions that actually ensure success. Most people quote that it took Edison over 1,000 times to create the light bulb. However, what allowed him to persevere throughout those many attempts?

I find it interesting to note that no one talks about how he would have had to laboriously set up, perform and record every attempt to prevent duplication? What was the filing system he used? How did he stay organized? How did he make sure that nothing was ever duplicated? How was he able to perform each experiment one by one, focused and intentional.

If you want to master any task to create amazing results, fighting through frustration and distraction is key. Keeping your focus and energy going into a single minded endeavor, keeping a positive outlook and repeating as needed until completion is what Mastery is all about.

Edison had in his lab the following quote by Sir Joshua Reynolds, “There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the real labor of thinking.” Distraction, immediate gratification and lack of focus destroy success and achievement.

Just for fun, how many times have you strayed from this article, if you have read this far? Building intense focus and single minded purpose is a learnable skill. Review your goals. Take a single, simple action everyday to move towards completing them. Rewrite your goals in the evening. Write out your action plan for the next day. Measure, monitor and reinforce every attempt to succeed. Feed yourself positive thoughts, focus on your goals 24/7, feed them, and act on them again and again and again. Take small simple steps everyday. Your future starts now, today.

To your continued success,

James

If you having challenges with focus and procrastination, sign up now for 30-Dyas for Success. Master the Simple Solution to focus and achieve today. www.30DaysforSuccess.com

Focus in 3-Steps: Executive Coaching John Wooden Style

In a previous post, I talked about the acronym F.O.C.U.S.S. and how a person can create greater levels of purpose, self-confidence, and direction. Today, I’m going to approach the concept of “focus” from the perspective of one of the greatest coaches in basketball history, John Wooden.

“In 1948, I began coaching basketball at UCLA. Each hour of practice we worked very hard. Each day we worked very hard. Each week we worked very hard. Each season we worked very hard. For fourteen years we worked very hard and didn’t win a national championship. However, a national championship was won in the fifteenth year. Another in the sixteenth. And eight more in the following ten years.” ~JW

My question is this, “Did the teams develop to a point where they could finally win a national championship or did Coach Wooden develop himself into a national championship coach?”

 

First Step: Be clear who you are and what Skill you choose to pursue excellence in (internal focus).

If you are going to become a master at a skill or craft, make sure it is one that you love and will emotionally support you for the next 20 years. Then, work to be the best!

To support this assertion another quote, “I am not what I ought to be, not what I want to be, not what I am going to be, but thankful that I am not what I used to be.” ~JW   Focus on being your best now in this moment, every moment!

“For an athlete to function properly, he must be intent. There has to be a definite purpose and goal if you are to progress. If you are not intent about what you are doing, you aren’t able to resist the temptation to do something else that might be more fun at the moment.” ~JW

 

Second Step: You must set goals that align with the expression of who you want to become and the skill you are choosing to master.

Set BIG, HUGE GOALS (external)!

For example, I chose a skill set of running many years ago. After thousands of miles of mastery, there was room for growth to always set the bar higher in terms of external goals: a 10K, half marathon, marathon, Goofy Challenge, 50-Miler, 100K Ultra and the pinnacle…100-Mile Ultra. Those goals took 20+ years of focus. As I took yoga along the way to keep flexible and train, I didn’t set a goal to become a yoga guru.

Big Goals provide the impetus to learn to perfect yourself in the execution of becoming more. They create the pressure to become meticulous because every detail counts. A hot spot on your foot in a 10K or half marathon is not big deal, on a marathon it becomes a little more important but during an ultra-marathon it means the difference between success and epic failure. Large goals are critical because they provide motivation to be diligent, prudent, and sustain a heightened level of awareness; internal and external. That creates focus.

“Adversity is the state in which man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.” ~JW

 

Third Step: Large goals create large obstacles to overcome.

This scares other people away from you so you have more time and energy to focus on your pursuits and not be presented with their problems.

How often during the day are we interrupted, distracted and presented with other people’s problems and life issues? People tend to conspire with others who will give them solace, empathy, and commiserate with them on their problems. The more a person commiserates with another, the more they keep coming back for more commiseration! If a heavy set person starts telling you how bad they feel, most people think it is OK to say, “I’m sorry, you know, it’s not really your fault. After all its genetics, thyroid issues, etc.” What happens when they get that response?  They keep coming back!

Granted it’s not polite to say to them, “then get off your fat buns and do something about it.” BUT, if you are setting a high goal of health for yourself, that person will naturally shy away from you. They know intuitively, as they see you pack your bag for a lunchtime workout, they won’t get much sympathy. You scare them away by setting higher standards.

 

BIG Goals scare people away because they suffer internally by comparison.

This cuts down in interruptions, distractions, and people telling you their problems. FOCUS comes from setting a higher standard than your peers. An added benefit is that the only people who will interrupt you are the people who have high standards and the exchanges will be more in the form of support, encouragement and sharing of tips that help you refine and master your craft. These can be good because they actually boost your energy, efficiency and the time spent for the interruption is time saved with what is learned by sharing.

Welcome the adversity and feelings of “being alone” in your singular pursuit. This creates focus. Here’s a supportive quote.

“When everyone is thinking the same, no one is thinking.” ~JW

 

Let’s recap these three steps:

1. Be clear on who you are and what skill you want to master (internal mindset)

2. Set Goals in that skillset that are HUGE, stretch yourself as high and far as you can go!

3. Get comfortable with scaring other people away and being alone…set a higher standard. Your only interruptions will be from others with high goals. Those interruptions will be fewer but very supportive!

 “The road to real achievement is usually bumpy and long, but you do not give up. You may have setbacks. You may have to start over. You may have to change your methods. You may have to go around, or over, or under. You may have to back up and get another start. But you do not quit. You stay the course.” ~JW

To your continued success,

James, Executive Business Coach

Learn more about Coach John Wooden here:  www.coachwooden.com

Happiness Formula Revealed…

If you are looking for the magic formula for more “HAPPINESS,” look no further. Like all new ways of thinking and believing, they stick around longer when they are anchored into our neurology. Take this 31 day Happiness Challenge everyday in July and see how your life changes in the next month. Here are the steps:

1. Journal:
A. List three problems that you are thankful for (the reasons you are thankful must be to remind you something you know you are in the core of your being or what there is to learn from the problem, the learning of which will empower you with a new belief that will better you. Example, “I am thankful that I am scared to death of making these business cold calls this week because it will help be breakthrough my fear of being good enough, overcome caring so much about what other people think of me, and allow my business to go the next level by brining in clients and revenue so that I can take another vacation and help another person change their life)
B. Journal any other thoughts, ideas or concepts worth nothing and thank your unconscious mind for giving you those ideas and insights (regardless of if they are negative or positive)

2. Exercise: Put some form of physical movement in your day. A minimum of 20-minutes out in the sun for some vitamin D. Anything to get some additional oxygen to your mind and body, get your lymph system going and get those natural feel good drugs released (as my daughter says, “get those ‘indoor-friends’ moving” (endorphins)

3. Meditation: Meditation is proven to support a healthier immune system, relaxation and stress release. To get in the habit I suggest just meditating to your favorite song without words. Or, sit in your car before or after work for as little as just two minutes and clear your mind, practice turning off your brain.

4. Perform one meaningful, random act of kindness. It has to be meaningful which means it involves something that is emotional. An example, everytime I take my kids to McD’s, I ALWAYS put my change and a few dollars in the Ronald McDonald box because I know what they did for one of my clients who they supported when his son needed a brain operation. It immediately fills my heart with thankfulness and I think of the families in need who will have kids in similiar situations and all the good it will do for them.

Feelings need to be cultivated. They need to be cared for, watered, nurtured and supported so they can grow and produce fruit! Try this challenge for 31-days with me and see how it changes your life.

TO your continued success,

James

PS-Email me at James@evolutionforsuccess with the word “Happiness” in the subject line and I will gladly send you a daily “Happiness” form you can use for the month of July.

This Ultimate Results System will produce…

I was thinking last week, “if I could master one skill this year that would produce the greatest results in my business, what would that be? If there was a system that allowed me to increase my efficiency, stay on track and stop things from falling through the cracks, what would that be? The Ultimate Results System is a result of answering that very question.

Everything in business comes down to sales and marketing. If a business is profitable, it continues to operate, if not, it goes bankrupt. This following 5-step process is sales based but I would like to extend its application to every interaction we have with people.

The bottom line is that we are ALWAYS working to have others see things from our perspective, persuade them to a common outcome or vision, or find a solution to a problem. In essence, we are always selling (think outside the parameters of just a tangible good). We are working to persuade others of our ideas, beliefs, hopes, solutions and activities.

My Ultimate Results System is based in the Sandler Sales system with a few additions. This system works best for sales, marketing, and every business interaction you have with another person.

  1. Define your outcome clearly and concisely. This is done BEFORE you have any interaction with anyone! It can be done two ways: for a singular event or an overall outcome for your business.
  2. Work for a “Yes,” and go to Step 4. Get to a “Yes” together. Find that common idea, belief, solution or activity that takes you closer to the achievement of your outcome.
  3. Work even harder for a “No.” (then go to Step 5) A “no” is great because it closes a door on something that could become an energy waster. More importantly, it brings closure to the interaction. This allows a person to let go of the false hope or optimism that something may pan out in the future and helps to stay realistic about your results.
  4. Get a Clear Next Step & Schedule It IMMEDIATELY! If you have a “yes” or a “referral” work with the person you are interacting with to define a clearly defined “next step” and then schedule it in your calendar immediately! Never walk away from someone without both putting that clear next step in your calendar. Nothing drains a persons’ focus, energy and time more than people who don’t commit to a clear next step and/or want you to follow up with them later. In addition, when things are scheduled on the spot, nothing falls through the cracks.
  5. Ask for a Referral. Brian Buffini has a great referral system that recommends that you end every conversation with, “Oh by the way, if you know anyone who…” and asking for a referral. Whether it is a “yes” a “no” or a “clear next step” it is important to ask if they know anyone else that you can help or support. This will push the comfort zone of most people because of their fear of selling and that’s exactly why it is recommended.

The reality is that confident and successful business people are always building and creating relationships to sell their own services and help others to do the same. Work hard to stay focused on your business outcomes,  get to a “yes” or “no,” schedule that clear next step immediately and remember to ask for referrals. These steps will allow you to be more efficient, profitable, and successful this year and produce results you never dreamed possible.

Leave your comments below. If you want to stop the frustrations in business, days of low energy and depression, and carrying that stress home every night to your loved ones, call now (919) 792-0085, or email me now (clear next step) to set up your Power Session today.

Oh, by the way, if you know of anyone who is frustrated with their business, facing divorce, or is depressed with no energy, the greatest compliment you can give is a referral (919) 792-0085.

Stop the “Setting Goals” Insanity Already…

It is that time of the year when every self-help email talks about setting goals. One thing that I have always found ironic is that everyone talks about the importance of setting goals.

Yet, 88% of people fail at their yearly goals!!!

So I have a question; why don’t people stop telling you how important it is to write goals and start writing about strategies to help you Succeed in achieving them!  It seems to me that is where people really need help! Why should I write articles to convince you to do something where 88% of you will fail?

Stop the “Setting Goals” Insanity right now!

So, let’s be thoughtful for a moment. It is important to have a goal but let’s take a look at some strategies to overcome the obstacles you put in place when you set them!

Let’s start with a couple of simple concepts. Hopefully you will find one you can try on to succeed!

Take the goal that you want and then do one of the following:

  1. Give something up. What is the one thing that is you gave it up, would ensure that you move closer to your goal? Example: if you are working to be more healthy, give up the soda!
  2. Replace what you give up with a healthier example so there isn’t scarcity. Example, when you give up the soda, start to drink bubbly water instead. No citric acid, sugar or aspartame, but you can still have the feeling of ice cold carbonation.
  3. Focus on keeping your word one-day-at-a-time. Your self-confidence depends upon it! Your word should be sacred! So only make promises to yourself you know you can keep!
  4. Create Ultimate Leverage for Yourself by telling so many people about your goals that you know where ever you go and whomever you see, they will ask you about it. You may not be congruent at first, but you eventually will have to act in accordance with your key identity and if your word means anything, you will have to adjust and make it happen!
  5. Celebrate! When it comes to change, nothing is too small to celebrate! If you don’t anchor in your success with good feelings there will be no good feelings with your success.
  6. If you really want to be an overachiever, radically do something different and follow the top four steps! For example, give up an extra hour of sleep every day to work out, write that book, read that educational material for work.
  7. LISTEN TO THIS: if you want your life to be different this year…YOU MUST DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN YOUR LIFE EVERYDAY AND ANCHOR PLEASURE TO IT!

I challenge you to sober up! Take a good look at where you were in 2012, where you are now in January of 2013 and where you want to be at the beginning of 2014.

Are you fat? Are you broke? Are you miserable with the person you are with? Is your job sucking the life out of you? Are you disgusted with the person you see in the mirror every morning? Are you tired of giving up on yourself and having the life you desire? Did you look back on 2012 with disappointment, grab a beverage to forget it and start the New Year the same as last; wishing something would change again but nothing did?

If so, I offer you a way out this year.  Again, it’s not about setting goals, it’s about using effective strategies to achieve those goals!  Call now to schedule a life changing Strategy Session to do something different for a change. You don’t deserve to have a life of pain, depression and complacency. It’s time to create a brighter future and evolve to your next level of success. Call now to begin your new life: (919) 792-0085 or (919) 745-7569.

 

Wanted: 3 Killers of Success in 2012

“Success in 2012” was pronounced “dead at the scene” today after police discovered his twisted and broken body at the bottom of a deep ravine. What was initially thought to be a suicide, was later classified as a homicide, as physical evidence at the crime scene pointed towards signs of a struggle.

Apparently, “Success in 2012” went for a walk at Looking Toward a Brighter Future Point. While admiring the sunset, 2012 was snuck up from behind by three suspects who robbed him blind. After a brief struggle, 2012 was pushed to his limits and went over the edge of the fiscal cliff.

The police are currently looking for three suspects in the case. Be on the lookout for the following individual thoughts.

  1. The Ringleader of the gang is, “I’ll start tomorrow.” He is to be considered armed and very dangerous. You will find him lurking in the evening shadows of “No Energy” and along the “Path of Least Resistance.” He loves to sabotage success by blowing up any opportunity to do something different that will create change today. He loves finding reasons, excuses and justifications for not doing the things that matter most now. One of his favorite sayings is, “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?”
  2. His right hand man is, “I don’t know.” I don’t know is the child of “No Self-Confidence” and can usually be found whenever there is a decision to be made that may be unpopular. He is a great deflector of responsibility, creator of complacency and absolutely detests leadership. “I Don’t Know” eats “Taking Initiative, Being Creative and Building a Life” for breakfast. He is the arch enemy of Personal Truth and a Purposeful Life.
  3. Their last known accomplice is, “It’s no big deal.” If a person is lucky enough to get past “I’ll start tomorrow” & “I don’t know,” then “No Big Deal” shows up to steal Success right out from under your nose. He is the killer of celebrating a person’s ability to overcome adversity, take risk and feel a sense of achievement. When these three personal experiences are stolen, work no longer seems worth the reward and all Hope for a Brighter Future flies right out the door.

These three criminals are responsible for the murder of Success in 2012. They are facing life in prison for the crimes they have committed against Success in 2012 and must be apprehended. It is critical for the safety of “Success in 2013.” A reward of “An Amazing Life” has been posted for anyone with information leading to their whereabouts and arrest.  Call (919) 745-7569 Immediately to claim your reward!

5 Reasons Your Job Search May Be Failing…

Whether you are currently unemployed or employed but looking for a career transition, here are 5 reasons your search may not be yielding the results you desire.

  1. Lack of Focus: I personally know several people who are currently unemployed and if I ask them, “What do you want?” they respond with, “A job.” In today’s market, if you don’t have absolute clarity on what you want, you are doomed to failure. Where your focus goes, your energy flows. Be specific in defining your niche in business, the exact position you want, or have absolute clarity on the value can add in a specific role, otherwise, you are just another generalist. There are ten people behind you and in front of you “looking for a job.”
  2. The Shotgun Approach: Many people still look for a job by sending out hundreds of resumes hoping for an interview. Never mistake action for productivity. This could lead to a mentality of scarcity, desperation, and sending the message that you hope someone will help you out. Develop a list of 3-5 companies you want to work for and do everything you can to work your way into them! Research, develop relationships, get the education for the positions they have open and find a problem you can solve. Companies today need innovators, focused thinkers and producers.
  3. Fear of Change: Managing adversity, growth, and risk-taking is a muscle that some people have not flexed in a long time. So many people today are looking for certainty. You need to stand out, be BOLD, and create an impression so you are remembered. Take risks and be courageous approaching businesses. Stand out by letting go of your fear! Embrace change! Remember, “your success in life is directly proportional to the amount of risk and uncertainty you can manage.”
  4. Lack of Tenacity: How many “no’s” would it take before you gave up? Most people quit after one, two or three tries. How much time are you willing to commit to achieve your goals? Most people live in a world of instant gratification and aren’t willing to put up with short term pain to have long term pleasure. Remember Winston Churchill; “Never, Never, Never Give Up.” There is a reason we remember Thomas Edison and the light bulb. Long term focus and never taking a failure personally produces a light that makes a difference in everyone’s life.
  5. Not Enough Hope/Faith: Have you ever said to yourself, “What’s the use, why do I keep trying, this job search will never end?” We all have our doubts at times and the most predominant thoughts control your reality; majority rules. If you are not feeding your mind with consistent positive thoughts AND taking positive actions, your belief that a job is not possible will become your reality. Faith without action is useless and action without faith is useless too! Feed your mind positive messages and have a plan to execute. Choose your peer groups carefully, stay away from the nay-sayers. Let them have their results…you take the job!

It is never easy facing adversity and change; especially when there is more month at the end of the money than money at the end of the month. However, by staying focused on the specific job/position you desire, stop the distractions, be bold and courageous by standing out, being tenacious in what you desire, and keep the faith, you will have that position a lot faster than if you didn’t. Happy Hunting!

 

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Build Unstoppable Confidence: Lead the Troops

Develop Unstoppable self esteem & self confidence in your team!Self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth are one of the principles of “self-help” that are constantly spoken, written, and talked about. Let’s take a look at what people really mean when they say they need more of them. What do people really mean when they say, “I need to work on my self-confidence?”

When I hear client tell me they need more self-confidence and self-worth, what I hear them really expressing is that they need a little more self-competence. Confidence is about having the BELIEF, or assurance that something is the way that it is. The word confidence is normally followed by the word, “in…” Most people want more confidence in their own self or in knowing they can perform a task. Who would turn down feeling more confident? Being confident unlocks other empowering emotional states, like courage and boldness that are vital in the pursuit of a worthy goal.

Quick example, let’s say a client wants more self-confidence in speaking to women. In order to be self-confident and to speak to a woman, he has to have spoken to women in the past in such a way that he remembers his successes at it. No past successes equals no feelings of self-confidence. What he really needs to build and develop are the skills to become more competent in speaking to women. When he becomes more competent at speaking to women, naturally, his confidence level will rise. While self-confidence is the BELIEF in the ability to perform a task, competence is built through the PROCESS of taking the actions necessary, suitable or required to complete a task.

We all have the need to grow. Our bodies are muscle machines that are built to take on resistance. Every muscle, fiber and tendon in our body is meant to handle stress and strain. When we take on resistance, we naturally become stronger. We build more muscle, the more we experience resistance. The less resistance we take on, the more we experience atrophy. We become weaker and weaker. People who want more self-confidence are simply not competent at doing something they really want to do.

However, have you seen the person who succeeds and still appears to have a low self-confidence? How does that happen? While developing competence at a task, there is trial and error; sometimes things work and sometimes not. If our hero mentioned above gets the courage to speak to a women ten times, there may be only two attempts that produce a positive result. Building a healthy level of competence comes on focusing and celebrating on the two things out of ten that were done RIGHT. That goes against all human nature. If you got a 97% on a school test, would that be enough, or would you be inclined to search through everything you got right to find that one question you got wrong?

Competence is built by focusing on what you did that was the best, and learn/forget the rest. Most people would never acknowledge the 97% of what was right on the test in their pursuit of finding what they missed. You’ll notice a pattern that all people with low self-confidence can always tell you what they have done incorrect, wrong, or poorly.

Self-confidence is the result of being Competent in a specific task or achievement. Competence is built by accepting challenges in the pursuit of a worthy goal; a person has to be willing to push through resistance to become stronger. As new actions are taken, staying focused on celebrating what is done right, (not wrong), will lay the foundation for competence and ultimately an unshakeable feeling of confidence.

To lead more effectively today:

  • Identify specific areas where a person wants to be more self-confident
  • Support them to develop a strategy to become more competent
  • Focus on catching people “doing things right” (they’re probably focusing on what’s wrong)
  • Celebrate competent actions, (they will be uncomfortable doing this, so push through)

 

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Effective Leadership…

Every manager and business executive is faced with higher and higher demands for their team’s productivity and work output. Pushing directly back against those demands are the employees’ needs to feel that they, and their work, is appreciated. With increased stress and pressure on performance and output, it is easy to see how management and employees can easily become divided.

As a top executive or business owner, how do you effectively bridge the gap between pushing for productivity and genuine appreciation for a job well done? One of the places to start is in understanding where you employees’s “finish line” is. Their “finish line” is the optimum place to give positive feedback and appreciation for their efforts.

Look at your employees and ask yourself, “What is John Smith weakest at: starting tasks, changing tasks or finishing tasks?” You may ask yourself, “why not focus on what they are best at instead?” The answer is because they already know they are good in that area, it comes naturally, and people only grow in confidence when they have to do something tough and overcome an obstacle.

The employees’ weakness identifies their personal “finish line.” This is where a leader can be most effective in showing appreciation because this is where the persons greatest obstacles lie.

Someone who has trouble starting things, needs reinforcement when they start. People who have trouble being flexible and changing things in mid-stride, need reinforcement when they are flexible. And people who have problems finishing tasks get the most from accepting what they “have” finished. Most managers just want to focus on giving feedback when the job is completed. This fails to acknowledge the moments when the employees overcame their limitations to get the job finished.

Simply stated, some people need reinforcement just for starting, others for being flexible and changing things, while others need the reinforcement when they finish the task. An effective leader will identify where their employees cross their own personal finish line and take advantage of it!

So take a little bit of a different approach with your staff and ask yourself, “Where are they weakest in their job; starting tasks, being flexible to change in the middle of things, or completing the task?”  Take advantage of when you see them overcome their personal weaknesses because that is the perfect moment appreciate their efforts and maximize the productivity of the team!

Leaders Think Outside The Box

One of the most important traits of effective leaders is to define a problem, think outside the box, and come up with an innovative solution. It is an art that some people seem to be a “natural” at. But, if we take a look at just throwing away the box, then there will always be a space for creativity to come into play. Here are a few ways to prevent putting yourself in a box!

First, be wary of being caught in an “either-or” mindset. A great way to look at it is that one choice is a dictatorship (no choice), two choices is a dilemma (either-or), and three choices are where creativity and opportunity begin. In business, statements like “we either need to do this or that” are restricting and put you in a box. When three or more ideas are generated, they have to be compared how they can solve the problem instead of being compared against each other. Stay away from thinking “it is this OR that.”

Second, listen for “if…then” statements. “If he would just do this…THEN I would be able to…” or “IF accounting would just…then sales would…” These statements are dangerous, especially from leadership within an organization. They can point blame and shut down ways for creative solutions to emerge. It is a great pattern to deflect taking responsibility for an issue. That creates a box that can be tough to get out of.

Third, is a proactive way to really think outside of the box, practice the simple art of “saying it the way you want it to be.” So many people can tell you what they “don’t” want. I know this sound simple, but simple things can create the greatest change. Many times the “box” is created by resisting change. Saying it the way you want it to be keeps the focus towards the future and away from the past. Moving from what you “don’t want” to what you “do want,” creates vision, possibility and solutions.

Thinking “outside the box” starts with staying away from “either-or” and “if-then”. Staying proactive by “saying it the way you want it to be” will open up a future oriented positive focus. Identifying these language patterns are a powerful first step to finding solutions.

Increase your Return on Investment…

One key question asked prior to spending money in most businesses is, “What is the projected return on investment (ROI)?”  When trying to figure out where to invest in your business emotionally and financially, where is the best place to put your resources? Naturally, a follow-up question then is, “How can I increase my ROI from my business expenses?”

I have one sure fire way to increase your Return On Investment and grow your business. It is three simple steps.

  1. Write down everything in your business that has a very high ROI. What are the key strengths of your business and what is working well? Do you have solid systems, people or products?
  2. Now that the easy part is over, what are the areas of weakness in your business? What are you ignoring? Are you having problems with sales, marketing, customer service, or products? This is the hard part because chances are, this is the part of your business where you have the greatest fear or experience the greatest procrastination in.
  3. Take the list of weaknesses and identify which one you are avoiding the most. Then invest in whatever it takes and IMMERSE yourself in making it your strength. You will have to fire ineffective people, invest in sales training when you don’t have money, hire a product developer to make a better widget, or invest in an online presence. Face your biggest fears and implement change.

It is important that you commit and have a “whatever it takes” mentality to the changes you commit to make.

Immersion into the areas of weakness in your business is paramount for success. If you weather the uncertainty of change, whether financial, intellectual, or systemic, your “Return on Immersion (your new ROI)” will always leave you and your business more profitable. That is the only sure fire way that I know to increase and always get the greatest ROI in your business!

I’d love to hear from you!  Comment below and share your experience. What is an area of your business where you immersed yourself in something new and the ROI was HUGE, as a result?

 

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Success in 5 minutes or less: Time Management that works!

Set your timers for 5 minutes and let’s get started! Successful people do several things to start their day right. They plot out in some way, shape or form where they want to be at the end of the day.

Follow these steps, and in less than 5 minutes, you too, will find success before bedtime!

  1. Remember, successful people are very quick to make decisions and very slow to change them. Sometimes it is good to be a mule, engage stubbornness (after the decision is made) and not budge.
  2. In order to figure out what the right choice is, you need to engage your whole mind into the decision process! You can’t logically talk yourself into something and expect to be committed. Take time to meditate for 1-2 minutes on what is most important. Building rapport with the unconscious mind will allow you to “trust your gut” or “follow your intuition.” Successful people rely on their “gut.”
  3. Make sure you state decisions “the way you want it to be.” How many times do people talk about everything they don’t want? Keep your mind focused in the positive. Are you focused on winning, or not losing?
  4. Use powerful, simple language for conviction and congruency: “I am…., I commit to…, or I will…” There is no try, could, should, must, may, ought to, maybe, want to or wishing about it; either do or do not.
  5. And the best for last. Take out a 3×5 card and write down your Success List for the day. Take the top 3-5 specific things you have decided to do and don’t go to bed until they are completed. Write them down, commit to them, and say them out loud. Something changes inside when you speak your truth for the day.

These 5 steps shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes. Take 1-2 minutes to meditate on your priorities, commit with conviction and congruency to what you decide to complete, write and say it out loud, and then see what happens when you head hits the pillow and you feel that success you always dreamt of!  Time management doesn’t get any simpler than this!

Share with me your successes below!