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The Number 1 Red Flag That Your Marriage or Relationship Is Headed for Disaster

Life coaching is about personal development and personal growthGuys, if your wife stops talking, start worrying!

The topic of marriage and relationships consistently comes up in my coaching. I particularly enjoy working with clients on those issues relating to relationships because although marriage can be a great source of emotional turmoil and pain, it can also be the greatest source of happiness and feeling of connectedness one can experience. Being able to spot the earliest signs of trouble can help us make a course correction before it’s too late.

There are predictable patterns that point in the direction of disaster, but often, we as men, misinterpret the signals and assume our marriage is headed for fairer weather after a rough patch, instead of realizing we are headed for deadly waters.

One of those patterns looks like this…

A wife –not yours of course– is dissatisfied with something. She’s unhappy. Something is not working for her in the relationship. Maybe she’s not feeling heard, supported, cherished, or understood. And so, she talks. And she talks. She’s communicating and expressing her frustration or unhappiness.

Now if her partner is like most men, he’s not enjoying this process at all. She’s emotional and sometimes volatile, and it’s difficult to stay focused on the specific source of her unhappiness and not feel personally attacked. So her partner shuts down. He retreats in his proverbial cave. He may do that by tuning her out, physically leaving, or listening and quickly returning his focus on a friendlier topic. Of course, it does nothing to resolve the issue at hand, but let’s face it, running for the hills until she’s in a happier place can look very appealing at times!

If he continues to strive to avoid her emotionalism and consistently retreats to his cave until the coast is clear, his wife, feeling completely unheard, will grow more and more frustrated and she’s likely to continue expressing her unhappiness with more and more passion.

Until she stops.

On her side, this signals that the relationship is over. Emotionally, she has given up and disengaged. She’s done.

From his perspective, the relationship just took a turn for the better. He misinterprets this silence to mean that everything is OK. The “nagging and complaining” has stopped and there is peace! She seems to be doing things to make herself happy and she has ceased to focus on what’s not working in their marriage. Life is good again.

He could not be farther from the truth!

She’s planning her exit strategy! It may be quick or it make take years. But nevertheless she’s lost all hope that this marriage is workable and she’s preparing to walk. She might be going back to school or work if she wasn’t working outside the home previously or she might make career choices that will make the transition easier. She might find another love interest or become open to the idea, or she might shift her focus to more fulfilling family relationships like her children until the time is right.

When the day comes that she serves her husband divorce papers, he’s shocked. He thought things were great –maybe not great exactly, but good. This is coming out of the blue. Often, this is the point where he becomes very motivated to address what was not working in the marriage and he’s baffled to hear that she has no interest in repairing the marriage. She left emotionally a long time ago. She has worked through many of her feelings and although she may have more grieving to do, she’s way beyond turning back.

The irony here is that sometimes, this will be the trigger for him to change and adopt different behaviors and different beliefs. And if he moves on to another marriage, he may have become the man his first wife had hope he would be, which can be a source of sadness or anger for his ex-wife –but that’s another story.

The bottom line is that when it comes to marriage, silence is deadly, not golden. As uncomfortable as addressing the issues affecting our marriages may be, repeatedly running for the hills is often the surest way to get her to run for the door.

To your continued success,

James

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Tips For a Better Relationship…Think Zen

Stillness is what creates love. Movement is what creates life. To be still and still moving – this is everything. -Do Hyun Choe

In the stillness, we can most easily connect with our true self. Putting movement in our lives creates energy and emotion…uniting the two as one allows God to flow through us! That is how to make a difference in the world and live a life of purpose.

When we can appreciate all that our mate is right now in this moment, know they are enough and perfect for us to move through this life with, we can then lead, guide and move the relationship forward to create more, have more, be more, and do more because there is a foundation of unconditional love.

Look at your wife today and see that she is perfect in this moment. Do so with all of her strengths (which are your weaknesses as a man) and her weaknesses (which are your strengths…don’t play those against her!)…Tell her that she is enough right now in this moment. She is perfect in who she is and will become…Revel in her beauty and feminine energy.

Then lead and guide the relationship to have new experiences, new shared common interests, date her again…and see what happens in your relationship.

Tips For a Better Relationship…Stay On Your Purpose

As man in a relationship it is easy to forget that You are the Master of your Fate and the Commander of Your Soul.

It is so critical for the man to be on his purpose in life first in order to be strong, confident and lead effectively. It is on your shoulders to constantly remember and see what it good in your mate, to make the tough decisions, to stand in her need for constant certainty and be questioned on all you do. That needs to be balanced with not working to please her contstantly, or expect her to be more motherly towards you, or expecting her to be more like you by approaching things with logic and reason versus emotionalism.

You, as the man, in the relationship always lead by example, make her your number one woman but not your number one priority in life. Treat her with love and emotional support and always see what is good in her and affirm how she is enough and what she gives is enough. See and embrace her beauty and emotionalism! It is oxygen to a man on his purpose in life! Don’t be scared of her femininity…suck it in for it is life!

Have a great week commanding your ship through the seas to reach your next port! May it be exciting, fulfilling and adventurous. To remember that every day at sea is a good day can remind us to see every day as good too!

Focus On Your Relationship & Marriage: The Greatest Aphrodisiac

You are probably wondering, “Is it an oyster that he is talking about this week? Is it an ointment? Is it something sexy from that shop down the street?” Wrong answers, try again.

One morning last week I found myself in a deep conversation with my wife and it was going down a direction that I was a little scared to go. We were not arguing, because we never argue in our relationship, we just have “opportunities for discussion.” (or at least, that’s what I choose to call them!)

We were having an opportunity to discuss something that brings all couples closer together, our finances. There is an old psychological test that was performed where they put a man in a room with a crying baby and his first reaction was to leave the room but for a woman their first reaction is to soothe the child. Well, my first reaction when the opportunity for discussion on finances came up was to not only leave the room, but run like away like Roger Bannister.

But, instead of just listening to my wife, (some guys only pretend to listen), I found myself engaging in the discussion and really disclosing some personal fears, ideas, and thoughts on the subject that I had never shared with her before. As for that matter, I had never even really stopped long enough myself to verbalize them to myself.

As we worked our way through the discussion and arrived at a solution was a deeper level of trust, respect, and commitment to one another. We both had a deeper understanding of what the other really thought, felt and believed. We accomplished this level of deep connection by providing the one another the chance to be safe while opening up and sharing.

I have always loved my wife dearly and it seems there is a pattern that I am most attracted to her after our opportunities for discussion. And reflecting on it now, it does not really seem to matter whether it was a topic that we agree on or not. Whether it is something that makes up both laugh, smile and enjoy, or something that brings frustration, challenge and disagreement, it doesn’t really matter.

It seems to me that the greatest aphrodisiac is communication. Yes, simply stated, open, safe, talking and listening. Truthful talking and listening with respect for your lovers thoughts, ideas, and deepest feelings. When was the last time you your and your lover talked in a deep intimate moment? When was the last time you really talked and listened in an intimate setting?

I encourage you to do so this week. See what happens! You may find yourself more attracted to your mate than ever. Don’t just listen…engage your partner in an intimate discussion about anything. I will leave the rest of the details to you.