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The Top Ten Disempowering Emotions: What are they trying to tell us?

When people talk about changing their life, they are really talking about changing the quality and intensity of the emotions they consistently experience. There are certain emotional states that we are driven towards and certain emotional states that we are driven away from.

Emotions give us insight into where we are incongruent in our values, beliefs, and unresolved significant emotional events. The outcome of any coaching or intervention process is to ease emotional conflict within a person and increase wholeness by attaching new more empowering meanings to their experiences. That increases choice and wholeness within a person.

Here are the Top Ten Disempowering Emotions that people experience and the message they convey:

 

1. Discomfort:

Message: When you feel bothered, impatient, bored, or irritated, this emotion is telling you that you can be more than who you currently are.

Solution: Need to change your emotional state, get clear on what you want, and take an immediate action to achieve/experience something new.

 

2. Fear

Message: When you feel concern, apprehension, worry or terror, this emotion is telling you that something is coming up in the future that you are not prepared for. This emotion gives you massive energy to prepare for the unforeseen.

Solution: Identify what is coming up in the future that you are not prepared for, find a new solution and take action to confront and walk through the fear.

 

3. Pain

Message: When you feel a sense of loss or if means that an expectation has not been met. This is an important indicator that shows the depth of your caring about yourself of another individual/situation.

Solution: Identify if the expectation is still valid and useful. Is it your responsibility or someone else’s for the emotion of the moment? Identify what is within your direct control and influence to support the other person or yourself through the moment, adjust expectations for the future.

 

4. Anger

Message: When you feel irritated, angry, resentful, furious, livid, enraged, (usually from hurt) it is a fire and depth of emotional energy to make things right. It means that a standard that you have is not being met by yourself or others.

Solution: Use this deep intense energy to adjust your standards for yourself or others and take an immediate action to move towards resolution to the challenge or issue.

 

5. Frustration

Message: You keep trying the same thing to achieve your dreams/goals and it is not working.

Solution: Stay focused on your outcomes and change your approach. Try doing the exact opposite of what you are currently trying to get a different result.

 

6. Disappointment

Message: It shows the depth of your caring you feel towards the person/situation and the high standards that you have set.

Solution: Change your expectation, adjust the time frames on the goals or things that you want to have/experience and remember that God’s delays are not God’s denials. That old saying, “there are no unreasonable goals, only unreasonable time frames attached to them sometimes,” could be applicable.

 

7. Guilt/Regret

Message: You violated a standard or belief that your hold true for yourself and you are not following through on what you know is best for you

Solution: Clean up your act! Step forward and do what you know is right and true for you independent of what others may think is “best for you” or “what you can or cannot do”

 

8. Inadequacy / Self Doubt

Message: You feel less that worthy, your own value and worth is low

Solution: Use this emotion to set outcomes for you to learn, grow, and contribute to others.

 

9. Overwhelm/Overload

Message: You are feeling hopeless, helpless, depressed because events are controlling you instead of you controlling events

Solution: Reevaluate what is truly important to you in life, distinguish between Must’s, Should’s and Want’s, then take action.

 

10. Loneliness

Message: Feeling alone and separate from others and you need a new form of connection

Solution: Find inside yourself a way to reconnect or look outside of yourself to your friends, family, peers, and groups to help those more in need.

 

These Top Ten Disempowering Emotions are calls to take action and unlocks more in life. With the understanding of the Message that they are trying to tell us and the Solution on how to work through them, life becomes easier and easier. You will always continue to experience these Top Ten Emotions in your life. A new paradigm of measuring success comes from decreasing the amount of time that it takes to understand the Message, find a new solution, and take action to move through them every time you feel them.

When you work through your emotional states you begin to control your life instead of your life controlling you. That’s personal power!

10 Top Tips to Stay Motivated and Focused this week…

Ever seem a little scattered? Do your business goals seem elusive and just out of reach? Are you frustrated at the end of the day because you never completed what you needed to? Are you so scattered that you don’t even have time to read this post? If so, then here are the Top Ten Tips to stay focused this week…

10. Answer the question, “What is the specific result I am focused on achieving this week?”

Without a clear destination you can’t get where you want to go. Imagine getting in a plane and just taking off to “go somewhere.” Use the SMART goals format to define your destination. Simple & Specific, Measurable & Meaningful, As if Now & Action oriented, Reasonable & Realistic, and Timed Towards what you desire. Specific is Success!

9. Get Motivated by Listing all the emotional reasons “WHY” you want to get to your destination.

When a goal is set in place…so are the obstacles that will be needed to be overcome. This will take energy and energy lies in generating the emotional “WHY” we want it. For ourselves, our kids, our spouse; dig down deep into that well of emotion and let it all gush forth. For extra credit, link up your life purpose to the goal and your identity to really get some power.

8. Find New People:

You are where you are, in part, due to the peer group you have around you. My workout buddy in the morning is the best. We both push each other. We are doing the Insanity workout and just this morning as we were completing our workout, he asked if I wanted to get in an additional 15 minute “pump” on the weights. He pushes me even when I’m tired and am ready to be done. I reciprocate by making sure I am at the gym every morning before he is. That way, he knows he has to bring the DVD’s or he will let me down by not showing up. We both add value to each other in different ways.

7. Clear Your Clutter

Get rid of anything that isn’t supporting your success. There needs to be emptiness in order for something new to come into your life. If a woman wants a man in her life but is sleeping at night with extra pillows and her pets…there’s no room for a man in her bed. If a guy doesn’t clean out 3/4 of his closet, get an extra toothbrush, have his/hers towels, and cleans out two dresser drawers, how will there be space for a woman to come into his life? Clear out your junk and make room!

6. Define & Master a Single Core Skill

Focus on changing one specific behavior that will move you towards your goal. You can prepare to walk/run all day with the right shoes, the music, playlists, weather, timing, treadmill or outside, determining your routes, estimating your time; but in the end all you have to master is putting one foot in front of the other for an extended period of time. Master taking one 8-10 inch step at a time with good form and posture.

5. Get comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Let’s say a person wants to reduce their weight. They will need to get comfortable being uncomfortable. When they “FEEL” uncomfortable because their stomach grumbles and they would normally go for some food, how can they start to feel comfortable with that moment and appreciate it instead of dread it? (This leads to #4)

4. Find a new, more empowering belief

Using the example above, when the stomach rumbles and they start to “FEEL” uncomfortable, insert a new belief for the old one. If the normal process is: stomach rumbles, the person says, “I’m starving to death and gotta eat” interrupt that self talk with, “excellent, that means that I must be thirsty” and then take a new action and drink water. (Sounds silly but I did that when I lost 60 lbs over 20 years ago and it still serves me to this day!)

3. Create Small Reminders

If you have a bigger goal of a trip, weight loss, business goals, etc. remember that where your focus goes your energy flows. Change your passwords to reflect your goals: ToughMudderNov2018, StBarth2017, CollegePaidinFull, Beachretirement2035, and BE CREATIVE. Put pictures on your mirror, in the shower, above your bed, in the bathroom, dash of the car, create reminders everywhere. These small reminders will help you stay focused and on track.

2. Create Quiet time to Focus

I recently read an article stating the main reason most small businesses fail is because of lack of planning. Strategic, purposeful thinking can only be done in a quiet setting and it should be done consistently (preferably a block of time weekly and even daily!) In order to create this space…find somewhere outside of your normal office, etc. (I have a client who uses a study room at his local library, no one finds him there) This will avoid the trap of the business running the person instead of the person running the business. During this scheduled quiet time see point #1.

1. Master Fear Management

I don’t care if you are the CEO of a Fortune 50 or a small solopreneur. In today’s competitive market the need to be innovative, creative and flexible creates HUGE uncertainty. Uncertainty breeds FEAR. Fear can be present due to change happening in the negative, ie going bankrupt and also the positive, ie problems that arise from rapid growth and expansion. Master Your Fears. Embrace them everyday because if you succumb to FEAR it will only lead to low self confidence, being motivated by necessity instead of possibility and worst of all, create a scarcity mentality. MASTER FEAR by doing at least one specific task everyday that you fear the most in your business. Eat Uncertainty and Fear for Breakfast to earn your dessert after dinner.

BONUS TIP:

Get an unconditional form of support to keep you on track…like an Executive Business Coach. (You know I had to plug that in!) Regardless of whether it’s me or not, no one earns a Grammy, an Emmy or an Oscar and stands on the stage during the acceptance speech and says, “I DID IT ALL MYSELF!” They all have people to thank…people who believed in them, provided support in those troubled moments of doubt, uncertainty and FEAR and pushed them to stay focused on their dreams and goals.

FOCUS!

To your continued success,

James

Dealing With Negative Emotions: 3 Solutions to Keep Your Word

Dealing with negative emotions is a universal experience.  In last week’s blog post, I wrote that,

“…you will always have to overcome some combination of the following challenging emotional states to keep your word: fatigue, discouragement, loneliness, overwhelm, doubt, nervousness, humiliation, frustration, resentment, powerlessness, anger,  feeling inadequate or imcompetent, and even jealousy of others.

The power of self-confidence and keeping your word is learning to embrace these emotional states as they come up, and accept them as appropriate and warranted given the goal that you are pursuing. If you stop trying to run away from these negative emotions,  you are already half way towards the successful completion of your goal. The power comes through pushing through those disempowering states. Even better, get excited about them! Anticipate these emotions and welcome them as part of a natural component on your path to victory.”

Here are three powerful ways to learn to embrace these negative emotions and use them to your advantage.

1-  Learn to love them.

My wife and I both love to spend time together and feel grateful that I work from home. When she goes to Paris to see her family or on her yearly girls beach trip, I go into single parent mode. One way I have been able to deal with the frustration, overwhelm and tiredness when she is away to adopt the belief that, “I love missing her.” Focusing on the positive side of missing her reminds me of why I love being with her on a day to day basis. This leads me to positive thoughts and memories and my mood changes for the better.  Very often you can take a disempowering emotion, and turn it upside down by giving it a new meaning.  That new association can then help you move past the moment and discomfort.

2-  Journal the answer to this question,

“what is there to learn from this feeling of ___________, the learning of which, will allow me to let go of it, easily and effortlessly?”

There is a reason “why” we feel disempowering emotional states but most of the time we don’t stop to ask ourselves “why.” I like to say that disempowering emotional states are indicators of where we are incongruent between our head and heart. Clearing up the conflict between what we think and how we feel, allows us to find a new belief and action to take that are more congruent.

3-  Focus on what you want to create.

Shifting your focus to “creating what you want to have” will often times push disempowering emotional states away. If you shift your focus to what you want to create by taking an action, your focus will shift to a more empowering place. If you have a hard time exercising, shift your focus to what you want to create by exercising; an energetic, healthy, vibrant body where you feel good about yourself. If you are pushing back on your taxes, shift your focus to what you want to create by completing them; a new financial future where you manage your money responsibly and reap the rewards for it. Shifting your thoughts away from what you’re feeling in the moment towards what you want to create in the future will help you work through disempowering emotions.

What are some of your strategies for dealing with negative emotions and moving forward through adversity?  Please comment below!

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Reach Your Goals Faster! 2 Essential Steps

Would you like to reach your goals faster?  Here are 2 steps that are critical to achieving them much quicker!  I’ll give you a hint: the key to success lies in your emotions.

Napoleon Hill wrote one of the most classic books ever written on success and achievement, “Think & Grow Rich.” One of the reasons this is such a classic book is that he used the principle of modeling. Modeling is the process of studying how an outcome is repeatedly achieved.

Hill found that the successful achievement of any goal was based on the following four steps.

1. Connect with your Purpose or Burning Desire

2. Believe and Trust in yourself and the value of your actions

3. Organize a plan of action and even more importantly take action

4. Never Give Up! Perseverance does pay off!

To make this process effective, it’s crucial to do all of the steps in order and be absolutely consistent.

When most people see someone achieve something they themselves want to achieve, many times the temptation is to ask, “How did you do that?” But steps number one and two are 100% emotional.

Until you figure out why you want to achieve that specific goal; what it means to you; what it will add to your life and what it will cost you to not achieve it, knowing how to do it will not significantly increase your chance of reaching it. Connecting emotionally with your drive is essential.

Once you are emotionally connected with the “WHY” of your goal, it’s time to put some focus on your faith and belief in yourself as well as your belief in your strategy. Trusting in your plan doesn’t mean not being open to evaluating its effectiveness periodically. Quite the opposite: you need to make adjustments as needed which is what step 3 is all about. But it does mean that you have to truly believe that your actions can and will lead to the results you want. Self-doubt is distracting at best and has the potential of being crippling.

It takes time to stop and reconnect to the emotions associated with your goals. It’s a step we often skip in our hurry to get to the end goal. But it’s precisely what will help you achieve your goals much quicker. That initial step will ward off self-sabotage. It will help you stay motivated when the initial burst of energy is long gone and you are left with the hard work of persevering.

The key is to reaching your goals faster is to address the emotional component of goal setting before you move to the logical and practical aspect of reaching them.

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9 Quick Tips To Boost Your Self Esteem

Feeling good about yourself is a wonderful feeling. So why don’t we do it more often?

True and lasting self-esteem is a combination of feeling good at about yourself for something specific you have done and a more permanent deep-seated feeling of self-worth. That deep-rooted belief is based on the conclusions you draw about yourself over time. It’s something that can be developed and fostered.

Here are 9 simple tips to feel better about yourself and grow your self-esteem.

 

 1. Focus on your character, not simply your achievements. Challenge yourself! Take on project you find a bit intimidating and give yourself a chance to astonish yourself! Give yourself a chance to prove to yourself that you are in fact quite remarkable in many ways. You may not conquer every challenge, but each time you tackle something and overcome obstacles it provides another opportunity to reinforce and acknowledge positive aspects of yourself. And when you do overcome those challenges, resist the temptation to minimize the effort and strength it took to overcome them. For example, praise the perseverance it took to finally get that new job or the commitment it took to follow through and make that sale or stick to your exercise plan. Achieving is never an All-or-Nothing experience: you will make mistakes along the way and fall off the wagon from time to time. Those setbacks don’t define you, the character you show and develop along the way does.

 

2. Be wary of expectations. Once you have achieved a goal, it’s natural to automatically take it for granted and raise the bar. That’s a good thing! We are programmed to want more. Yet, make sure you “go for more” in a realistic way. It is more feasible to go from running a 5K race to a 10K race, instead of from a 5K race to a marathon. So, give yourself plenty of opportunities to succeed by making your goals realistic.

 

3. Acknowledge your successes. Take a moment and pat yourself on the back for what you have done –now and in the past. If you have not listed all the successes in your life to date, you will probably forget them. Stop and take stock once in a while. Recognize your past successes. Try something different and write them down. It’s called positive stacking. Just as we sometimes stack negatively and start focusing only on the negative, you can consciously direct your mind to focus on the long list of things you have accomplished that show your character. And don’t fall in the comparison trap. Being competitive can be a great motivator, but don’t let comparisons define your worth.

 

4. Stop the negative self-talk. Stand guard at the doorway of your mind, for what you let in is what you become! People who feel good about themselves, talk and think good about themselves. Watch out for negative thought patterns like jumping to negative conclusions about other people’s actions for instance and assuming they are judging you negatively (most of the time, their behavior is not about you!). Challenge your negative or flawed thinking. Just because you feel incompetent doesn’t mean that you are. Refrain from –even jokingly– putting yourself down; over time, you will start believing your self put-downs. When you realize you are engaging in negative self talk, systematically interrupting your pattern will pay off! And for goodness sake, stop saying, “I’m Sorry!

 

5. Master a skill, pastime, sport, or other life interest. Become good at something that you love and are interested in. Mastery of anything is a key ingredient in maintaining a high opinion of yourself. So master something, anything that makes you feel special!

 

6. Pay attention to the image your project. Although it may sound simplistic, by acting as if you have self-esteem, you are sending positive messages about your self-image to the subconscious. This is a form of self-respect and positive self talk that become who you are –just like habitual negative self talk became ingrained. So, don’t neglect the way you look and what you do with your body. Dress nicely, pay attention to your personal grooming, work out so you have some physical energy and pep. Be mindful of your physiology so that you walk, stand, and sit as if you felt sure of yourself. Smile. Act the part until it becomes habitual.

 

7. Focus on what you can control and influence, not what you can’t. Many things in life are out of our control and influence. However, focusing on what is within your control and influence allows you to feel more in control of your life. Always look to take positive action on what is within your control and influence and let go of the rest.

 

8. Develop a supportive social network. We all rise and fall to the level of our peer group. If you are not involved in a positive and non judgmental peer group, get a new one! Don’t be a stepping stone for someone else’s self-esteem. You don’t need to let yourself be made less of so that someone else can feel good about themselves. Surround yourself with a peer group that has the mindset, the values, and the interests that you do.

 

9. Help others. Stop thinking about yourself so much! Focus your mind outside of yourself. It is always worthwhile to make others aware of their worth. In fact, make it a habit to notice the positive in others so it becomes more natural to notice the positive traits in yourself. But more importantly, when you make a difference in someone else’s life, it is easy to feel great about yourself. Allow yourself the satisfaction that giving brings. And as a bonus, when they thank you for being part of their life, don’t be too quick to push it off or minimize it for the sake of humility. Accept their compliment as an extra affirmation of you with a simple, “Thank You!”

 

Whatever a person believes about themselves is true. Self-esteem is not something you are born with. It is a muscle that is built with time, consistency and conditioning! It takes time to integrate new practices into your life but eventually they become what you do, then show up in what you have, and eventually they become your identity as who you are.

 

This article was first published on http://ezinearticles.com/?9-Quick-Tips-To-Boost-Your-Self-Esteem&id=6544585, and shared here because it’s awesome. For more tips and strategies about increasing your self-esteem, confidence, motivation and personal effectiveness, go to http://www.evolutionforsuccess.com. James Murphy is a personal development expert as well as an executive and life coach. He can be reached directly at 919-745-7569.

As Featured On EzineArticles

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Hesitation is the leading cause of roadkill

What’s the surest way to chip away at your self-esteem?  You guessed it: hesitation!  Join me as we look at how hesitation –a by-product of not being clear on what you want– leads to self-doubt and what you can do about it.

Motivation, personal development, and tips on raising your self confidence and self esteem by executive and life coach James Murphy